bitch mode.

It feels like primary school all over again.

I remember I used to have a best friend G. We hung out after school, walk to to the school bus together, go for recess together, go toilet together. Haha, yknow, like primary school girls. I was like what, p1? Anyway, and then came K who kept bullying me and even got her older sister to hit me on the school bus while I was sleeping. And K being one of the more popular girls in class soon isolated me from everyone else. No one was supposed to talk to me because she hated me. For whatever reason, I honestly dont know why. I didn't really care much then because I still had G to go for recess with and all that. Nothing mattered even though I was very obviously excluded from the class. And then my best friend G started hanging out with K. WORST DAY EVER SRSLY. Like kena betrayed. And soon, G stopped talking to me. G stopped hanging out with me. G stopped being my friend. But she wrote letters to me to say that we can be "secret" friends. WTF IS THAT. I find it extremely lame and stupid now that I think about it. But back then I was really happy. like yay i still could be friends with G.

But slowly the letters stopped.

One fine day during the flag lowering ceremony after school, I felt so...shitty, sad, alone and excluded that I ran to this deserted spot in school near the fences to cry and sit on the grass by myself. Quite pathetic, and I vowed that I never want to be in that position again. Maybe thats when I decided that I dont need anyone. If I dont need anyone, then no one can hurt me, and no one can leave me.

I find myself in that situation again.

Maybe not as dramatic, but somewhat so. That friend whos so caught up in his new life and new friends in a new country that he's forgotten about his old friend back here. So caught up to even reply a simple text message that comes almost every day. That friend who gossips and starts false rumours about others just because she knows others will listen to her but still pretends to be an endearing friend to me. That friend who meets new friends and is starting to exclude me out from almost everything. They're all the same.

People are replaceable, friends come and go. I already know that. But some people are harder to let go of and some people deserve a slap on their faces. I've seen, heard and done too much in my life already, which is probably why I end up being so skeptical and insecure. I've seen too much and I've been let down a lot too. And I've learnt that the only way this will go away, is to stay true to yourself. Don't do or say anything that will betray yourself. If you're true to yourself and people whom you know as "friends" leave you, then you know that they were never meant to stay or to be your friends in the first place, no matter what they say. And if you're true to yourself and people stay by you, then you know that they'll be with you for the rest of your life.

But that being said, I hated K so much for everything I took her beloved pink sailor moon school bag one day and dumped it into the fish pond, making sure every single piece of worksheet is soaking wet and destroyed. If I can do that when I was just in P1, i can't even begin to think what more I can do now. I have nothing to lose when i had nothing to begin with.